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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29064294">You are trying not to tell him that you love him</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Battle_Of_Roses/pseuds/Battle_Of_Roses'>Battle_Of_Roses</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Politics, American Politics AU, First Meetings, M/M, Richard Silken Quote, fuck john winchester, happy birthday dean winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:02:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,582</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29064294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Battle_Of_Roses/pseuds/Battle_Of_Roses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where instead of a civil war in Heaven - Castiel is facing up against Raphael in an election, Dean's trying not be lonely and HunterCorp has to endorse someone. </p><p>*You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, /and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him* - Richard Siken</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, HunterCorp Dean/Godstiel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You are trying not to tell him that you love him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, hey, I've got a new Destiel story! This took soo long to write and it was supposed to be in time for Dean's birthday but, here we are!</p><p>Hope you enjoy the fic! And if you watch Cobra Kai, let me know what you think about that series and keep an eye out, I may post a Lawrusso fic soon. </p><p>Thank you for reading again! As usual, unbeta-ed and unread.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean has never been, by no extension, a morning person. He doesn’t get it at all, Samuel’s the one that’s always bugged him about jogging ever in the horrendous early hours of the morning. And just as always, he’s rebuffed Samuel’s any attempts at trying to get a healthier lifestyle, (Guys, Beers and Monsters </span>
  <em>
    <span>- what’s not healthy about that lifestyle?</span>
  </em>
  <span>) </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The flipside of never waking up at assbutt early in the morning is (that which he has experienced a lot of times) he misses a bunch of important events. Like that time when their Dad had resigned in a very public conference and had handed over his entire business to Samuel and him, well, he had been very confused when the house staff had started congratulating him; or that other time when Jessica had finally proposed to Samuel during their early morning runs, and apparently, Samuel being a huge doofus hadn’t even seen it coming, like what? They had been together for the like 10 years or so, what was his brother thinking, anyway … it didn’t matter, the thing that did matter was how he had missed the entirety of the whole thing just because he was sleeping. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Samuel had given him so much grief because of that. However, his habits never changed, after a late night of binge-watching </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cobra Kai </span>
  </em>
  <span>- he had fallen asleep, mouth open, drooling over his messy thousand thread count sheets. Waking up was hard as usual, his warm, lovely sheets called at him to envelop him in their embrace, his drool had unpleasantly crusted over the side of his face. It took him a second to locate why he had woken up in the first place, a moment later, the loud, blaring noise of the television became even louder and rougher. Well, that’s why he had woken up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Blearily, rubbing his eyes, he trudged out dragging his feet to get a good look at whatever had captured his family’s interest at whatever o’clock in the day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fuck me, I didn’t think he had it in him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, technically, angels are genderless, so perhaps using a gender-neutral “they” might be more preferable although, I do think the news has used “he” to refer…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A strangled sort of sound escaped Dean’s throat as he tried to comprehend whatever Samuel was even talking about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean, you’re up! You missed the news!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“News,” His voice was barely above a mumble “What? The HunterCorp stocks are down again or something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Or something, ya idjit, Corp’s fine. It’s Heaven, they’ve got a new contender.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Now, he was fully awake. Heaven, though it had claimed to be a democracy, everyone knew it was just for show. For years, decades, millenniums, the Archangels had been in power - first, it was Lucifer, the Big Daddy’s favourite, and then Micheal booted him out downstairs, even the heavenly choir were not fond of authoritarian leaders especially those who did not care about the purpose of caring after God’s flock - the humans. Then Micheal came to get the throne and he wasn’t any better than Luci but, at least he kept an eye out for whenever things became too tough for humanity. Every heavenly ruler’s time has to eventually end, and so did Micheal’s. Nobody had any idea what eventually got to him, some said it was a long incoming mid-life crisis, others just thought that somehow Raphael or maybe even Gabriel had got to him, assassinated him for their own wish to get their own chance at the seat. Most people’s favours leaned towards Raphael, after all, Gabriel had all but skipped town after Micheal was disposed of . </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Heaven did hold elections after a couple of decades went by. They had always been uncontested until ... </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>. No one had ever dared to defy the authority of an Archangel after all, no wonder his family was all hyped up in the morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Somebody stood up to his holy highness. Damn, they must have some sort of a wish to die. Nobody has ever gone up Raphel, have they?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I must say, they do have exemplary policies, especially in regards to the treatment of hunters and the supernatural.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Policies, Samuel? What is this election?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you heard your brother, the news is saying that Rapheal wants a fair fight with Castiel. That’s his name by the way.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Castiel. Pretty standard for an angelic sort of name but, it held a tinge of mystery to it. He obviously wasn’t a big deal between the angels or Huntercorp would have dealt with them before. It was gonna be fun to watch the way Rapheal would eventually crush the truant.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***    - </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s drunk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After blearily staring hard at his drink for a minute or two to make sure it wasn’t wobbling, the thought of him being drunk came into his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made a noise of acknowledgement out loud figuring that he struck out tonight, he was tired anyway. The last hunt had taken a toll on his body with the freakily athletic vampire - mimes (</span>
  <em>
    <span>Vamimes</span>
  </em>
  <span> - He giggled), whether he liked it not, he was getting old and the monsters seemed to be getting more younger than ever. Samuel’s wedding was looming near the horizon and though he was proud as punch for his younger brother, waking up in a cold bed was becoming harder than ever. No longer could he channel his loneliness into hunting, it could be a distraction for him only a little bit more. Then he would be left lonely with no one to share his life with, then…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I get a glass of whatever alcohol is here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Startling at the odd request, he turned his head to look at the newcomer. Hazy eyesight drew a blurry picture of the man but, his features were not difficult to make out - brillant blue eyes, messy mop of dark hair and a tall stature maybe a little shorter than Dean himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And his voice, god, that voice - if he wanted to be cheesy, he would say that it definitely belonged to an angel - not the soft cushy kind, but those in mythologies one who lead armies against evil and smote the demons just by glaring at them kinda angel. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He leans towards the dude trying to look coy but, in retrospect he probably looked all sloppy sprawled over the counter, unsubtly winking at the dude. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey man, did it hurt when you fell?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again, in hindsight, he should have had a cause for worry with how the guy flinched away from him or how all the patrons had wisely kept their distance away from the guy ever since he had entered the bar. However, Dean Winchester soldiered on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When you fell from Heaven? Cause you’re an angel and I’d love to kiss you.” Drunk Dean wasn't much of a classical poet, but he was direct.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Confusion settled in the other’s handsome features, the guy gulped down whatever he was drinking and wiped his palms down his suit pants. Nodding his assent he said “Alright.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>****   -</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fifteen minutes later, they were to be found in the back of the bar, not in the cleanest place ever, the back alley. They’ve been lazily trading kisses on the mouth for a bit, getting drunk on each other and the alcohol around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It almost seems that the guy next to him doesn’t even need to breath. Dean would like to have had superability but, he’s only human. He leans back against the grimy wall to take a breather while eyeing the guy. They are way past the time and energy to do anything now, so kissing is the best way to go - the dude lacks finesse but, there is something addictive about being held so close by him. With time, he has a scope of improvement - perhaps, he would like to get together with Dean again, for another kiss session?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They haven’t exchanged names yet - there is a sanctity of anonymity that hangs overhead them. The man leans in the direct line of the buzzing neon bar sign - the glow in his eyes is godly and exhilarating. Again, Dean is struck by this man’s… </span>
  <em>
    <span>handsome features? Gorgeous face? </span>
  </em>
  <span>No, he’s weirdly </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span> in a way that’s ineffable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, a broken sigh huffs out of the man. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dean sharply looks at him. Concern breaks the cozy environment around them and he leans towards the dude. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” the guy shakes his head. Now, he looks like he’s gonna start the water works, “it is nothing of import.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m sure it is, come on tell me,” they are closer now, shoulder bumping. Despite knowing what kissing the other man’s chapped lips feels like, this here is somehow more intimate. “If you want to, I mean. No pressure,” he hastily amended. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence reigns in again. Despite it becoming more awkward by the second, Dean stays. Pressed up against the man, he knows the other man needs to talk to someone. For the first time in the night as sobriety makes him more serious, he thinks about the man’s life. Where was he even from?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All that I have ever wanted is to save people.. help them. I have done things that I used to feel were justified for the Greater Good. But, now, ever since I’ve done all of this, I’m lost. I keep looking for a sign from God - is he testing me? What does he want me to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time, he actually sobs - the sound is pressed, accidentally being vocalised by its speaker. Dean slings an arm around the man’s shoulders and pulls him closer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m alone in all of this I’m doing and…” he stops, turning his head and burying his head in Dean’s shoulder, sniffling. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m not really sure about God and such. Never been much of a believer. But, if it feels right, keep doing it. I’m sure, if your cause is true, people will follow.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wow, leave being a poet, he should be a motivational speaker while drunk. But, he had started a sentence, however, he had no idea how to end the sentence. “Well, no matter what happens, you can always fix it,” he finished it lamely.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not broken,” he heard the words whispered close to his throat, the hot breath warming his neck for a bit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure it isn't. All I’m saying is it’s gonna be okay” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The guy pushed into his side more, snuggling deeper. His head was tucked into the side of Dean’s neck, resting in the silence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Where were you when I needed to hear this?” The words were whispered just as earlier as if speaking would break whatever they were having in between them. Dean had been here for something brief, something forgetting but, here he was cradling a man assuring their doubts as if they were lovers sharing worries amongst each other. It was comforting and familiar, and he understood why the other man didn’t want to break the cozy environment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the sake of being clique, (because why not?) he hugged the tighter and spoke into the space within them - “I was always here. Where were you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neither of them said goodbye that night as they sat in their respective cabs. And neither of them took the other’s number. It wasn’t a goodbye but it wasn’t a start either. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If they were meant to be together, Dean believed, they would find their way to each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And this thing felt sacred enough, that it may just happen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***   - </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“We are thinking of endorsing the other Angel in the referendum.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The statement is spoken with the princely conviction that Samuel has about any opinion of his. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who?” Dean grumbled as he tried to make his way towards the freshly brewed coffee. “Who are you endorsing and where?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“For the angel referendum for Heaven, we are considering the other candidate - Castiel, remember? He’s the one who was challenging Raphael. His policies are commendable and I spoke with whoever is working with him - his secretary or whoever and they think if we start by endorsing him, he may have a chance of winning this. Heaven has been long due for a chance. And this guy maybe it. Now, I didn’t want to bother you with this, especially early in the morning but, you’re our spokesperson and…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do it.” He was wincing internally at the fact that he had been ignoring HunterCorp for weeks now. The decision to not exchange phone numbers or even names was weighing on him heavily, his withdrawn mood had been noticed by all. Samuel and Dad had been nice enough to ignore him and give him space. But, he couldn’t shut himself up forever, he had work to do.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay when? Is it tomorrow, or later this week? I’m assuming that we are going to go on Bela’s show to announce it alongside the candidate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, you’ve got the plot, Father wants you to get ready right now. You’re up in an hour on the show and Castiel is going to be there. Charlie shall brief you on his policies and our stance on the issue. Get ready Dean.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“An </span>
  <em>
    <span>hour</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Do you realise-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I realise that's a very short time but, the fire’s hot, we need to hit the iron now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And just like every time, he was dreadfully late to another important event. Running all over the place to become presentable and then getting briefed, he was harried by the time by which he came down to Bela’s show. The plan was simple, get in, endorse, shake hands and get out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Within minutes of his arrival, he was announced on the show. Thoughts of anything else flew out of his mind. So determined he was, he didn’t glance at the candidate himself - poor manners yes, but, he was sure the guy would forgive him after the endorsement. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Barely taking a break, he flashed his charming smile and got right down to it. Bela flashed her own smiles at the appropriate time and before he knew it, he was finished. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Turning towards Bela, he waited to be introduced to the candidate. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well,” she said “I think HunterCorp came in at a great time to lift up Castiel’s campaign. This may be one of the most memorable heavenly referendums ever. I think Castiel will be grateful that you are here today. I present again, Castiel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His breath caught as he looked at the candidate. The other guy seemed to be stricken as well. Both of them hastily came close to shake hands. Giving a disbelieving laugh, he took in the whole image of the man- no, Castiel again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dean..” Castiel seemed just as shocked and dazed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Dean whispered back as they were separating “I told you, I was always going to be here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***    - </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terr-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>ible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you</span>
  </em>
</p><p><em><span>don’t even have a name for.”</span></em><span> - </span><b>You Are Jeff,</b> <b>Richard Siken </b></p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you again! Let me know what you thought about the story and your headcanons about the pairing between Godstiel and HunterCorp Dean!</p><p>I love all comments and kudos, so do drop one! :) Have a good day &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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